My great uncle, Morgan, moved into an assisted living facility earlier this year because he has dementia. My parents live a couple miles from his house and were the key players in moving him and prepping his house for sale. I inherited a great set of Revere pots. See my post on shining up these copper bottoms
here.
This week we received a Christmas card from my great uncle, who we always called Sunny. The Christmas card had my mother's handwriting on the card and the envelope. My family is still helping him.
The last time I saw him was last year on Christmas Day. While I was married, my husband hadn't yet arrived due to our visa process still being under way at that time. My uncle greeted me and congratulated me on getting married. Then, he asked where my fella was. I told him he was in Africa. His response was comical because that is the last place he expected me to say. He said, "what the hell is he doing there?" To which I replied, "he's in Western Africa with his family until our visa is granted." His face went from amused to shocked. He then said, "Africa? You mean like 'black'?" When I affirmed that my husband was black, he made a pained grimace and didn't have anything to say to me the rest of the day. He did, however, look at me out of the corner of his eye and then shake his head.
I understand 2 things about my uncle. First, he comes from a generation that was against interracial couples and black people, in general. Second, he has dementia which can cause the affected person to become agitated easily, such was the case. What a recipe for disaster and / or a case for compassion. Nonetheless, I am proud to be the wife of a talented, intelligent, compassionate, generous, respectful, and respectable man, no matter his race and nationality. That doesn't change the fact that my uncle's mental state is not what it used to be.
I decided to reciprocate and send my Uncle Sunny a Christmas card this year. The last few years, I've been slacking in this area. Sending a card to someone with a compromised memory and perception caused me to treat his Christmas card differently than I normally do.
To tread lightly or not.
His memory comes and goes so he may have forgotten that my husband is black. Another potential issue may be that my husband's name is Michel, a French name that sounds like a girl's name to English speakers. Because my uncle has dementia, I had to think about how a card signed Rachael & Michel may be perceived. He may interpret this as me being in a relationship with a woman. I don't know how he would feel about that in comparison to being married to a black man. Given his generation, I'm not sure he'd be open to either of these options, despite the reality of my marriage.
Another concern may be that I got married during the time that my uncle's memory and understanding was diminishing. He probably has not retained my married last name in his memory. Perhaps, I should use my maiden name in the return address to help him make a connection since this is a name he has known since the 1940's.
I talked with my husband about my dilemma. He, in his usual wisdom, counseled me to send a card using my maiden name on the return address and signed on the inside as "Rachael & Michael." He has lived in a couple English-speaking countries where people preferred the English equivalent of Michel.
My husband has a lot of grace for people who are not well or able. He was not bothered in the least that we chose an alternative name for him in the quest to send a card that would not cause agitation or angst. This was a good way to go about this year's Christmas card for Uncle Sunny.
